Seeking Existential Utility
Realize that everything you ever did and will ever do, you did for one thing only: quality of existence. Whatever you endeavored to achieve or acquire you did for its implicit promise: an experienced vast state of presence; a feeling about yourself, as yourself, in relation to the world.
Who you think you are is a mere convention, a convenience to yield your B from your starting point of A. And everything you are doing right now, that may constitute your character, is a simple calculus of approach and aversion.
Doing X gets, or got you more of A, and possibly less of B. The initial purpose of these maneuvers, of course, is forgotten, and you are left to believe that you are their collection.
Encoded, as we may expect, in the primitive areas of our brain, the mass conclusions of this calculus form your now arbitrary preferences. You are trapped in the conclusions of your past, blindly assuming its identity.
Yet what you really are is total and who you really are is vast, far exceeding any idea of it. And all actions and preferences and ambitions are mere intermediaries in your attempt to be IT totally and limitlessly.
That is the ultimate existential payoff, unconditional presence. A memory so distant it appears as a vision: the experience, the knowing, the beingness of you, to the greatest and vastest extent.
Everything you do, you do to reach that. One way or the other, whether you already know it or not and to differing degrees of indirection. Imbued with its promise, you pursue and seek, tipped off by your desires, you burn and obsess for just another glimpse of the radiant presence you know is cached somewhere for you to discover. If only you could have this, or achieve that. Just one more little thing…
But who would really want to bet on externalities? Would you want to make this ultimate state of existence dependent on material validation? Can a conditional existence even be called an existence?
You may have fought, pined, and struggled to get your finger closer to the big bad payoff button. But what if you are betting on the wrong dog? Has it ever worked other than for the measly temporary highs? And aren't these highs anything other than a surge of expectation betraying their promise?
Until you realize that the button itself can never be at your fingertips, and that the button is no where to be found, because the button is your fingertips, Vast presence is just a radical snub of detours away.